Involved In An Affair - Some Common Defenses

If someone involved in affair is confronted by their spouse, their first instinct will be to deny it. 'I never did any such thing' could well be the first response. The person feels that the other is acting just on a suspicion and may not have any evidence. So, why not stall for a while and see how they take it? But if the spouse is able to show some proof that cannot be denied, then the offender has no further grounds to deny. People use certain standard excuses to defend their getting involved in the affair. And you should know how to counter them.

1) It is only a friendship: This will be the most obvious defense. After all, how can anyone say that a relationship is not just a friendship but something more than that? And being friendly with someone from the other sex is neither a crime nor an aberration. It is natural in many cases. If the other person is a colleague or professionally associated in some way, this defense may sound somewhat credible. But if the other person happens to be a neighbor or someone with no possible connection through other means, it will be difficult to explain how the acquaintance came into being and what sustains it. Your best strategy will be to accept your spouse's explanation but insist on ending it, in the interest of saving the marriage. There is a likelihood of your spouse accepting your plea with the relief that despite getting caught, they are able to come out of it unscathed.

2) What is wrong with it?: This line of defense is to show the affair as a casual relationship, something that is common and acceptable. It is as if you are magnifying something that is so trivial. You need to take a tough line and tell your spouse that you cannot accept this kind of a relationship and that it has to be terminated. You can threaten your spouse of divorce. Whatever be their posture, your spouse knows that they have committed a wrong and cannot carry on with it. If they feel that the marriage is important, they will grudgingly accept your suggestion, all the time protesting that you are overreacting to the situation.

3) It was to fill an emotional need: This could be a ploy or an honest statement. In either case, you have to talk things out. It may take several rounds of talks to come to an understanding but eventually you will find out what caused the affair. If there was something wanting from you, you should think about a way of fulfilling your spouse's emotional needs. If it was only a ploy, your spouse will soon realize that they can't get away with this line of defense and may either regret their action with a promise to end the affair or may shift their defense to one of the two discussed above. And you know how to handle it and do what is needed to survive the affair.