The Making of an Affair: What Makes Stepping Out So Tempting?

It seems as though every day I receive a phone call or email from a desperate lover seeking help to overcome the betrayal of a hurtful affair. Both men and women are seeking ways to forgive, move on, and recover from the pain of a spouse or lover who has gone astray. What I have come to find in all my work, is that the affair is usually not the issue but simply a symptom of the difficulty that has occurred within the relationship that has brought it all to the surface in an ugly painful way.

If a couple chooses to stay together and overcome the pain of such a controversial relationship, it is certainly up to them but will definitely take a commitment greater than any commitment they have made. It is one thing to vow to be together but it is another thing to take the steps that reassure that you stay together. Within my counseling and coaching sessions, I have found that both men and women are tempted by the possibility of an extramarital or relational affair but usually for different reasons.

The Reasons Women Cheat

In working with couples, I have found that women usually cheat due to a lack of intimacy (non sexual), attention, and needing to feel desirable. If her partner lacks in the area of being able to stimulate her intellectually, romantically, or just no longer pursues her in a manner that reassures her that she is valuable or worthy of love and respect, a door is left open where someone who appears as if they can satisfy these things may step in.

I know that respect is something that is usually accredited to a male's needs and rightfully so, but it is important to know that women desire respect as well. People desire respect. Men, women, and children all desire respect in order to feel valuable. Feeling valued is an important attribute of most women. If she encounters someone that makes her feel as if she is not only desirable but of great value, then she will feel as if she is special to someone once again. Unfortunately, what people need to realize is that they have to recreate these types of feelings within their marriage. They would have to work to maintain these emotions with someone else as well but people rarely consider that relationships take effort when they are in the romantic stage of love. For these reasons, it is important that couples focus on recreating the feelings of love that were experienced in the romantic phase.

The Reasons Men Cheat

Men often cheat due to a lack of sexual fulfillment as well as feeling insignificant within the household. Now most people instantly consider the lack of sexual fulfillment, but there are other reasons that men look outside of their relationships. If a man feels as if he is not needed or appreciated, he may find it very tempting when someone else expresses need or appreciation towards him.

The lack of sexual fulfillment is obviously an important element that can lead to infidelity. Though problems may arise that can make love making difficult within a marriage, the lack of sexual connection is usually a sign that there is a problem in the marriage. If a man's sexual appetite is unfulfilled, it makes fighting temptation outside of the home far more difficult.

Couples often seek help after the relationship has gone into crisis mode. Meaning an affair has occurred or someone has threatened to leave. The message I would like to relay to couples is to get help in the maintenance stage. If you never get the oil changed on your car and do not keep up the maintenance, you will find your vehicle in a state of crisis. Now you will have to make far more expensive repairs than if you had taken good care of the car in the first place. Well you should treat your marriage like a well oiled machine. It has to be maintained in order to continue to run smoothly. I will say this once again, an affair is usually the result of lack of maintenance. Couples tend to get to comfortable with just coasting along but when the important elements have been ignored there is usually a price to pay. Unfortunately that price may cost you your family.

An affair is never acceptable and causes pain and disappointment for all parties involved. Learn to recognize where you may be making room for infidelity to come into your home and close the doors on betrayal. These warning signs can help you eliminate the temptation that may be waiting at the door of your relationship.