My Husband Is Having An Affair - What Do I Do? 7 Insights For When You Find Out About The Affair

Before I even had a chance to say hello the voice at the other end of the phone was wailing: "My husband is having an affair what do I do?" I quickly found my wife and passed the phone to her so she could console her friend. Unfortunately this was not the first time my wife has acted as counselor to a friend whose husband has cheated. Having experienced a cheating spouse with my first wife I understood what these women were going through. The anger and overwhelming shock and grief of being betrayed by the one person closest to you, then uncertainty and sadness. With the sting of betrayal comes anger, we want to lash out and hurt those that have hurt us only more. Most of us have some sort of gut reaction like screaming, breaking things, pleading, or cursing. It rarely solves anything but does feel better just for doing. I've compiled the following insights in the hope they will help you manage through this difficult and painful time in your life.

1. Be honest. Before you say anything about the affair to your spouse think of what it is you want: do you want to save your marriage or is this the reason you have been looking for to let it go?


2. Talk straight. Assuming you want to save your marriage engage your spouse in an open hearted discussion about your relationship - not theirs with the other person. If they are unwilling to talk with you suggest a professional counselor or church leader to help communication.


3. Do not ask about the other person. Are they smarter, more fun, better looking? This will just put your already shaken self-esteem even lower. Besides it's not really about them.


4. Forgive. Easily said I know but if you can keep bring yourself to honestly do this you will heal the pain much sooner plus your marriage will stand a better chance of surviving. If you don't forgive you will always carry the pain and be a victim. Forgiveness is empowering.


5. Engage in life. Don't retreat and shut yourself off from friends, family or other support systems. Sure people will talk about your misfortune, gossips always find someone else's misery to revel in, ignore it. Take strength from those that truly care for you.


6. Banish the thought. Being vulnerable leaves you open to self-doubt that often comes in the form of negative self-talk. When this happens you have to consciously make an effort to switch those thoughts to something that gives you pleasure like a child or pet maybe a particularly good moment from the past or a line from a funny movie. Anything that dislodges the repetitive negatives whirling through your brain.


7. Revenge. Don't do it. Especially if you want to get your marriage back on track. You think you'll feel better by getting your own back but this is just a lie we tell ourselves when deeply hurt.

Some of these things will be difficult to do when you first find out. But when the shock wears away you will have to come to terms with your new reality and hopefully some of these tips will help you manage to do that.