Betrayed: Three Simple Ways to Judge What Infidelity Means

What were your beliefs about sexual fidelity as you entered your relationship?

Many couples never discuss this explosive topic before making a commitment, believing that the love and passion they share will sustain them through all the tricky situations we meet in modern living.

Or perhaps they take for granted that their mate holds beliefs about fidelity that mirror their own, or that their partner's values and upbringing make looking for sexual or other connections outside their marriage or partnership not just unlikely but inconceivable.

Today, anyone who believes that monogamy rules in marriage - let alone in other partnership models - may find themselves facing unpalatable truths. The world-famous sex researchers at The Kinsey Institute reported as long ago as 1994 that roughly a quarter of American men (and just under a fifth of women) admitted to having at least one extramarital fling.* Numbers are higher if you look across different age and social profiles, at more recent (but possibly less reliable) figures, or include figures for non-heterosexual groups.

Whatever the wider social or moral picture, a partner's infidelity often hurts and can throw the betrayed partner into a frenzy of anger, doubt, and often, self-loathing. Fears may surface, too - that, somehow, the betrayed person him/herself was at fault - not attractive enough, not worthy, not something enough. After a betrayal, the whole relationship needs to be redefined and reconsidered.

But if what you had before the event turns out to have been an illusion, is re-thinking what you actually have such a bad thing?

The three reasons for infidelity

In my therapy practice, I've heard many clients' stories about cheating and being cheated. But after the shock and pain are stripped out, one thing remains: cheating means something in a relationship - you ignore it at your peril.

Mates cheat for one of three reasons, or sometimes, for a combination of the three.

Reason 1: The partner wants to end the relationship.

Reason 2: The partner wants to force new life into the relationship, to galvanise or rejuvenate it.

Reason 3: The partner has a particular kind of need - often sexual in nature - that the relationship has no apparent room for, and can't go on without that need being met.

If you think carefully about what's happened, you'll see clues about which of the three applies to your situation. A partner who refuses to engage in discussion probably wants out. A partner who shows remorse may want to stay in the relationship - but needs something s/he's not getting. A partner who's taken elaborate precautions to conceal their actions probably didn't want to hurt you, but couldn't resist the lure of what was offered.

None of these mean it's your fault - but you may both gain a great deal if - after the initial shock has subsided - you fully explore, together, what's gone on, what it meant, and what your agreement about fidelity really is. If you need help to get these conversations started, therapists, marriage guidance counsellors, or religious leaders can help.

We all need to be accepted for who we are. Sometimes that means learning that our ideas about the other person - often the same ideas that made us fall in love - need a reality check. For while we're not to blame for another's infidelity - this doesn't mean it had nothing to do with us. If your partner has done this to gain your attention, you'll need to consider the implications of such child-like behaviour - and how you managed not to see it coming.

Infidelity hurts, most of the time; and you must make your own decisions about whether you forgive or must move on. Whatever you choose to do, looking at events with an open mind and a loving heart can only leave you wiser about your partner - and about yourself.

* see ( Laumann et al, Sex in America,1994 )