Infidelity Support: 3 Tips to Express Your Anger After the Affair Without Getting Angry

If you are looking for infidelity support then I bet one of the big issues you are dealing with is how angry you feel with your husband or wife... always angry almost all of the time.

In the aftermath of an affair you have every right to be very angry and upset!

But, you know, continual anger is destructive and will eventually drag you down and cause more psychological (and even physiological) damage to yourself than anybody else. Also if you want to stay with your spouse and save your marriage then it is critical that you learn to express your anger without actually getting 'angry' in order to move forward through the process of healing yourself and your marriage.

So here are 3 tips to help you tell your spouse how you feel without 'getting angry'.

Tip 1: Look at your spouse as a friend - not an enemy

Your natural instinct, your 'inner caveman' will want to treat your spouse as your enemy... after all they have hurt you so you want to attack back with rage. But despite everything that happened with the affair, if you want your marriage to work then your spouse needs to be your best friend not your enemy.

I know this will seem impossible after all the lies and betrayal, but, even best friends make mistakes and are not perfect. If you had an argument with a best friend you would probably communicate less angrily with each other and try to be more 'diplomatic' than with your spouse in order to work things out and mend your friendship.

This takes a lot of control on your part. No matter how angry you feel on the inside, you need to choose to change your attitude to one of friendship. This will put you in a much calmer frame of mind so that you can communicate with one another in a way that makes progress and moves forward without damaging your relationship further.

Don't give in to your inner caveman, I know it is difficult so try to remain calm and strong.

Tip 2: Don't say 'YOU' say 'I'

Using 'I' statements is about expressing your feelings so that you say for example, "I feel upset" or "I feel hurt" etc instead of saying "you did that" and "you did this to me" etc.

You need to focus on your own experiences and not target what your spouse did or didn't do to cause their infidelity. Using 'I' statements is less provocative then saying 'you' so you will be starting from a calmer base and will have more success drawing your partner in to listen to how you feel about the infidelity and support you. This will avoid driving them away and making them feel like they are under attack.

Tip 3: Manage your own feelings so that you are truly listening to your spouse

This tip is for both the cheater and the cheated spouse wanting infidelity support.

It's about listening to your husband or wife and understanding what they are saying regardless of whether it fits with your own point of view. So for instance the cheating husband must listen to what his wife has to say without jumping in and starting to argue, defend or justify his actions that led to infidelity. Support for you means he must listen patiently without interrupting.

Equally his wife must listen to his perspective on their relationship without getting defensive and angry.

To gain infidelity support you both need to give up on the idea of being 'right'. It is not a war with a winner and a loser. You are not enemies. You both need to listen to each other and accept what is being said even if you don't agree with or like what they are saying.

You should also ask each other questions to explore further your understanding of how they are feeling about the infidelity so that you can provide infidelity support to one another.