Wednesday, April 13, 2011

When the Affair Is Over



When two people are in unhappy marriages an affair can be a major source of comfort in their lives. I know that the text books talk about having relationship counselling to improve the quality of the marriage but in truth some marriages are over in all but name. There maybe many reasons why a married couple feel that they cannot split; financial, poor health, family concerns to name just a few.

An affair can be a lifeline to happiness for the couple. Yes, there is dishonesty to their partners, but it may be the only way they can continue with their regular life. They may envisage continuing in this way indefinitely. There is no reason to change it. And who are we to judge?

Problems can occur when one of their situations changes. If one person has a partner who decides to divorce, perhaps the children are older or the financial situation has improved, then the dynamics of the affair change completely. One of them will have to face the emotional trauma of getting divorced. Even unhappy marriages have their own familiarity and routine which can be upsetting to lose. In addition, divorce brings major financial and family implications. It all requires a period of readjustment and healing.

As a consequence, one person in the affair becomes single. They may feel that as their situation has changed they do not want to continue in a secretive, illicit affair. It was comforting, exciting and convenient before, but now the person may want some time to socialize, meet new people, enjoy their new found freedom. They may want to start again and build a new life for themselves.

Some couples who have had affairs can become friends, but that can be a very difficult readjustment after having had the closeness and intimacy of a sexual relationship. Often couples in affairs have to continue seeing each other because they are neighbours, friends or work colleagues. It would arouse suspicions to suddenly start avoiding each other. And yet the change in their relationship can cause untold stress and hurt.

Additionally, if the time comes to introduce a new date into the equation it can be traumatic for the still married partner. They have to remain in their difficult marriage, stuck with a situation they feel powerless to change, watching someone they care deeply about enjoying the excitement of a new relationship. And they have to do it without revealing their true feelings.

Making the transition to friendship can initially be seen to be better than losing the contact completely. It maintains contact with a person who has shared so much of their life. But eventually the couple may drift apart as the newly single person adopts their new life and interests and moves away from their old routine and family life.

This can be a time for the still married person to consider improving the quality of their life in other ways. Perhaps look to develop friends in several different areas, join one or two interesting groups and societies, become more involved with neighbours, work, family, even charity work. Distractions and external interests can help to heal the hurt whilst at the same time providing fulfillment and occupation.



0 comments:

Post a Comment