My Husband Has Changed Since He Cheated And Had An Affair: Tips On How To Handle This

I often hear from wives who are trying very hard to come to grips with their husband's cheating or having an affair. One theme that I hear quite often from these women is how much their husband has changed from the man that they knew and were married to before the affair and the man that they are married to now.

I often hear comments like: "My husband has changed so much since I found about his cheating and having an affair. I almost don't recognize him anymore. He used to be a man of honor. He used to be caring and thoughtful. He used to want nothing more than to spend time with our kids doing simple things. Now, he cares about stupid things like what he looks like, what kind of car he drives, how much fun he's having, and how successful he is. And I can't talk to him the way that I used to. He's distracted and hurried. I want to save my marriage more than anything. But I'm just not sure how to relate to him anymore when he's not even the same person. He's certainly not the man I married and he's not the man I knew even a year ago. The man he is now is shallow and seemingly non feeling, so I have no idea how to even deal with or approach him."

I hear these types of comments a lot. As if dealing with an affair or cheating isn't frustrating enough, now you're having to deal with your ever changing husband - which can feel like dealing with a stranger. I know that this is very upsetting, but often times, these changes are not lasting for the long term. Sometimes, what is happening is that your husband is trying on different personalities while he's trying to work through something that's going on with his life. An affair or cheating is just one more symptom of that. Often, he does this as almost a defense mechanism and he typically doesn't even realize he's doing it (and will often deny that he's changed at all when you say anything.)

Think about it. If he were acting like his old, reliable, and loyal self, he likely would not have had an affair. It's potentially the changes in him that made the affair possible. In the following article, I'm going to offer some tips on how to handle the changes you might be seeing in your husband after he cheated or had an affair.

Know That The Changes You're Seeing Will Likely Fade With The Passage Of Time. Try Not To Dwell Too Much On Them: I know there's a real tendency to be completely disgusted by what you are seeing and to want to call him on how stupid he is being. But it's very unlikely that you will have to deal with this forever. Returning to his regular self will usually be part of the recovery process after the affair. Many wives tell me that once their marriage began to heal, they started to see their husband become more like his old self again.

Once he sees that you aren't going to vilify him for the rest of his life, and that you are going to continue to assume that he is still the man you married (who made a very big mistake,) his defenses will likely begin to come down and you will see glimpses of the man you used to know.

I'd suggest resisting the urge to dwell on the changes. I know that seeing him act this way can be maddening. But if you keep drawing his (and your) attention to what is wrong, it really does only make things worse and it can bring you further away from healing.

Do These Changes Mean He Was Unhappy With His Life Before The Affair?: The mid life crisis is such a cliche. But seeing an older or settled man suddenly try to act young, "embrace life," or "live again" is not an uncommon occurrence. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to have some fun or to feel alive. But some wives will see this and ask if these new attitude means he was unhappy with his old life and is trying to shed it. I don't think so. Instead, I think it's usually his way of dealing with whatever he is or was going through. And, nothing says he can't or won't realize that excitement is possible for a married family man.

Luckily, with a little nudging, many men do eventually come to realize this. When they do, many are quite embarrassed by how they acted. Unfortunately, many don't come to this realization any earlier if you call them on this or bring their attention to the changes you are seeing in them. In fact, doing so will often only make them defensive and only reinforce their behavior.

Successfully Dealing With The Changes In Your Husband After The Cheating: I know it may sound crazy when I say this, but I think the best thing to do is to keep your focus until this passes. As hard as it might be, you'll often be better off if you bide your time and know that this is temporary thing that's often an attempt to deal with their shortcomings, disappointments, or personal issues. It will often pass faster if you continue to deal with him as you always have.

My view is that you really should not change who you are, what you stand for, or how you handle your issues because he's decided to suddenly act in new and frustrating ways. Don't allow for this to make you change what you know is the right way to behave even if he doesn't right now. You know this man better than anyone else. And you likely know what he has always responded to. Most men will eventually respond when you handle this with dignity, self respect, and care.