Survive Infidelity In Marriage - 3 Tips On How To Forgive An Unfaithful Spouse Who Shows No Remorse

There really is no easy way to survive infidelity in marriage... especially when you meet unforeseen obstacles as you try!

You have just discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful to you. This is one of the most difficult things to hear and to have to deal with. � You feel betrayed, angry, devastated... Naturally, as the injured partner, you would feel aggrieved and deserving of at least an apology and some remorse from the unfaithful spouse... right? In some cases, this is not quite a foregone conclusion. There are situations when the cheating spouse shows no remorse at all! In fact, he/she may take it one step further and tell you that it is your fault!

That may be the moment that your past comes back to haunt you. Maybe it's something that you are not aware of that you have done - for example, maybe you didn't pay any attention to their needs, or you worked too hard and didn't have any time for them... things like that.

Or, worse still, it could be something you know that you did in the past. Something that you thought was all forgotten and forgiven. Perhaps you went through a period when you battled with something that took its toll on your partner, such as alcoholism or an addiction, or even that you had an affair once upon a time. And you paid your dues, and you thought that all had been worked out.

However, the cheating spouse may use this to justify why he/she decided to have an affair - they may say something like "I finally wanted to do something for myself..."; "Oh, now I finally get your attention?"; "Now, we're even after what you did to me before..."

If this is the admittedly baffling situation that you find yourself in, you may be wondering how you can cope with the infidelity, move on and rebuild your marriage when your spouse doesn't seem sorry.

The affair will have been caused by certain problems, which must be resolved or else the marriage could end up being worse than it was before the affair. But most affairs do not signal the end of a marriage. In fact, after the affair has ended, the couple has a window of opportunity within which they can fix what is wrong such that they can make the marriage much better than ever. And you can do this too, by following the three tips outlined below:

1. Make sure the affair has ended properly

One of the biggest obstacles to recovery from an affair is the emotional baggage left over from the affair. In an ideal case, the unfaithful spouse would choose to leave the lover and return to the spouse to rebuild the marriage. Then, after a short period of difficulty and withdrawal, both spouses would work fervently to rebuild the marriage. However, most affairs do not end in this way and the cheating spouse may feel bitterness at having to end things abruptly and facing reality, as it were.

This is where your spouse needs your help. Yes, you may feel like they are in the wrong, but you need to make sure together that the affair has ended, that any lingering feelings are dealt with and nullified, and that you do your bit to create an environment at home where he/she can feel safe and can have his/her needs met.

2. The best way to get your apology may be to apologise first... or to forget about getting one!

This may sound weird, especially as you feel like the one who has been wronged. But it is actually quite common for the cheating spouse to show no remorse. This means that you can end up in a situation whereby the affair has ended and you as a couple are ready to rebuild their relationship... but neither of you wants to take responsibility.

It may be worth considering that an apology from both sides, including yours, would help. After all, as far as your spouse is concerned, you are partly to blame for his/her transgression. The unfaithful spouse should apologize for betraying the trust and values of the marriage, and for hurting you in the worst possible way. You, the injured spouse, should also apologize for possibly failing to meet the important emotional needs of the cheating spouse.

Then again, despite your real need and desire for an apology and remorse, an apology may not really be necessary. After all, now that the affair is over, will it do you any good to yank an apology out of your spouse? Your best approach would be to ignore the past, and focus on taking appropriate steps with your spouse to rebuild your relationship, and all your efforts should go towards this. You never know - your spouse may just surprise you with an apology for the affair without you asking for one!

But don't let your need for an apology rule your life and inhibit your recovery from the affair.

3. Start the rebuilding process, and seek to meet emotional needs

A couple should try to move onto rebuilding relationship trust and restoring their marriage as soon as possible, rather than talk about and dwelling on the past mistakes. Both spouses should try to create the best marriage possible by learning how to meet the other's emotional needs and create a unified lifestyle with no secrets. Both parties should also be willing to negotiate, emerge from a state of emotional withdrawal, and allow the other partner to meet their emotional needs. At this stage, with both partners willing, any attempts to make the other person happy will most likely have the desired effect.

When people first get together and are in love, they are more willing to give and do for the other partner. However, as time goes on, the tendency to want to take more and give less kicks in. The solution to most marital problems, including an affair, needs both spouses to try to subdue their selfish urges to take. When this happens, there will be a natural consequence of each one wanting to meet the needs of the other, and this prevents an affair in the first place or, after the affair, ensures that they can survive infidelity in marriage and recreate a marriage that is better than ever.