Recovering From Infidelity: How to Banish Negative Thoughts

If you are a husband or wife who has just found out that your spouse has been having an affair, you probably feel as though you have been punched in the stomach. For most people, experiencing infidelity in their relationship is a nightmare come true, and for those of you who believed that all was well in the marriage, there is the additional blow in that you are now unable to trust your own feelings.

There may be times after you discover your partner's cheating that you actually believe you're losing your mind. Perhaps you go over and over in your head the why's and how's of your partner's infidelity in an often vain attempt to understand or make sense of what has happened. This agonizing can frequently result in you feeling as though you're unable to distinguish any truth from the myriad of lies and the belief that every little thing that has happened must somehow be associated to the affair.

In the muddle and confusion that is now your head, you may one moment feel full of hate and bitterness, thinking that you can't stand to see or touch your partner, and the next you may well be agonizing over whether the affair was all your fault because maybe you'd put on weight; focused too much on the kids or spent too much time at work.

In needing to understand why the affair happened, you may become desperate to know every little detail until your every waking moment is focused on the infidelity and your head feels as though it's going to burst.

But, however devastated you are at your partner's betrayal, you can't continue to live your life totally immersed in misery and despair, with your thoughts in chaos. You can't change the past, but your mind is your own internal haven, and, although it's not easy, ultimately you can regain the peace and harmony that your spouse's infidelity has destroyed.

Although you are unlikely to bring yourself to trust your partner for some time, if you want your marriage to survive, banishing the nightmare thoughts from your head is the first step you need to take. However, to shield yourself from further hurt, you will also need to observe some important positive changes in the way your partner behaves.

When you are ready to begin regaining control over your mind, the following steps may help you to banish the negative thoughts going round and round in your head:

1. Think about the times and places where your negative thoughts are at their worst. Perhaps these are in places you and your spouse spent a lot of time together or during actions you did as a couple.

2. Think about the times and places where your negative thoughts don't haunt you as much - perhaps at places you generally go to without your spouse such as work or the gym.

3. Look for patterns to your negative thoughts. Do they occur at certain times of the day? Perhaps when you're driving to work or preparing for bed. Do certain things trigger your negative thoughts? Maybe hearing a particular song, watching a certain movie or passing somewhere you know your spouse went with his/her paramour.

If you can develop an awareness of when and where your negative thoughts strike, then you can begin to break the pattern. For example, if they occur when you're getting ready for bed, change your bedtime routine. If watching a certain genre of movie brings on negative thoughts then change the type of movie you watch - at least for a while.

If your negative thoughts trigger unexpectedly, try and have a procedure in place to deflect them. Prepare a mental list in advance of things that make you happy or perhaps think of a song that you associate with good times. You can then call on these to prevent the negative thoughts from taking hold.

While negative thoughts are extremely persistent and banishing the ugly pictures inside your head might seem almost impossible, practicing these techniques will help you let go of these obsessive nightmarish images and it really is possible to reclaim your inner sanctuary if you are prepared to work at it.