Surviving Infidelity - Are You Feeling Sorrow or Stoic?

One of the biggest reasons people fail in surviving infidelity is falling into the trap of denial. It may seem easier to hide your head in the sand like the ostrich but denial is just one of many unhealthy responses that will eventually take a toll on you physically, psychologically and spiritually. If you choose to dwell on a lie, it will destroy you in the end.

But one thing almost nobody understands, is that there are many different ways of practicing denial. I figured it out the hard way, and hope to save you the trouble.

DENIAL LEADS TO CONFUSION

After learning about my husband's little secret, my mind did not want to adjust to the fact it was not a bad dream and it was time to face reality. In my attempts to gather the facts from my spouse, I was left feeling angry, hurt, disappointed, and many other feelings that are hard to put a finger on. My discoveries only led to more bewilderment. My attempt to get out of the boat of denial only led to confusion.

I did not know where to begin. So I began with becoming a stoic. I convinced myself that I just had to ignore my feelings and figure out how to get on with life in this new reality. I no longer denied that my marriage had been fractured, but I denied my emotional responses to that certainty. I tried to be resilient against my pain, but instead learned how that only made things worse.

DENIAL LEADS TO CORRUPTION

I became a harsh taskmaster over my children. I was rigid to family members, demanding they accept my stiff exterior because I no longer had time for "silly" talk about my feelings. Although I was trying to avoid a divorce, I was stern and severe in my communication with my husband, which only made matters worse.

At the end of the day, I would feel guilty for being so stringent and I would cry myself to sleep, wondering how I had become such a monster.

One night, I finally surrendered. I recognized I could not suppress the anger and all the other feelings any longer. And at that point, I finally recognized what I had been feeling for a long time, but had not been able to pinpoint. It was sorrow.

ACCEPTANCE LEADS TO HEALING

Once I realized I was grieving the loss of my marriage, it all made sense. I was overwhelmed with mourning and at long last, allowed myself to feel sad. I was suffering the distress of having to let go of something very valuable to me. Whether my marriage could be resurrected or not, the death of my sixteen-year relationship was real. Everything about my marriage up to the point of infidelity had to be released.

Although I knew I had to go forward, I was now free to "hurt." Who would deny a widow her tears? Yet that is precisely what I had done to myself. I was still angry and sad, but now I gave myself permission to experience those emotions. I didn't try to lock up my pain and pretend I could tough it out. I was done trying to be a stoic. I hadn't really avoided any pain by denying it. If anything, it was intensified because I had not properly expressed it.

And once I stopped denying my feelings, I could more easily identify them. Sometimes we don't know exactly "how" we are hurting, which makes the pain even more difficult to deal. Much like a doctor's visit, you need a proper diagnosis in order to effectively treat the disease. You must assess your feelings in order to face them.

FOUR "A's" TO ESCAPE THE TRAP OF DENIAL

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings - Don't Ignore Them

2. Assess Your Feelings - Identify Them

3. Allow Yourself to Feel - Express Them

4. Accept How Your Feelings Affect You - You Won't Always Be Satisfied