What NOT to Do After an Affair - 5 Tips to Learn How to Survive an Affair

There is a lot of advice out there on dealing with infidelity but usually it tells you the steps to take. Often times it may be easier to know first what not to do after an affair to avoid making permanent rifts in your relationship. Below are five tips on what not to do that could help save your marriage.

#1 - Do NOT immediately rehash all the details of the affair

This works for both parties. If you just discovered your partner cheated on you, you may demand the details of the affair. This is not the way to go. If you get this information you can't unlearn it. Most of the information is not necessary to get to a place of healing for both yourself and the relationship. In fact, these details could end up haunting you forever and keep you from healing.

If you're the partner who cheated, don't make things worse by unloading the details of your infidelity with your partner. You may feel better for "getting it off your chest" but you are only making your partner feel worse. It doesn't matter if they say they want to know the details - it only will make them feel awful.

Yes, there are details you can share with your partner, but you must learn what will be constructive and what will tear them apart.

#2 - Do NOT dump all your thoughts, feelings and emotions about the affair to friends and family

A little bit of venting is one thing. But to constantly dump your thoughts on friends and family and especially to bad mouth your partner can backfire on you. It puts your friends and family in an awkward position, particularly if you do repair your marriage and put the affair behind you. Even if this is the case, your family and friends will likely harbor negative feelings toward the cheating partner or feel like they need to take sides. If they joined in on bad mouthing your partner with you, then it hangs in the air that they said negative things about your spouse, even after you've forgiven them.

Also, constantly focusing on what is bothering you doesn't help you move on and work things out. Plus your friends and family, most likely, are NOT professional therapists. It's simply not fair to burden them with endless talks of your trauma. Instead use your friends and family for support and for distraction.

#3 - Do NOT suppress your emotions

This may sound a little contradictory to the second tip, but let me define it a bit better. Bottling up your emotions isn't healthy. You are allowed to feel what you feel. However, there are constructive and healthy ways to express your emotions. Again, burdening friends and family about it continually isn't a good idea. Instead, find a support group or talk with a professional. Or write in a journal and express how you really feel. There's no need to sugarcoat how you feel. You're likely to feel rage and betrayal - and it doesn't help to say you don't feel that way. You are entitled to all your emotions. Don't suppress them but do find ways to express them in a healthy way.

#4 - Do NOT give into vengeful thoughts or actions

Closely related to the above tip of not suppressing your emotions, you don't want to use your rage and feelings of hurt as justification for taking revenge out on your partner. You may think it will make you feel better, but getting back at them isn't going to truly make you feel better. Also it can keep you from repairing your relationship. It is definitely tempting to get back at someone after they've hurt you so badly. But any good feeling you get is only going to be short lived, if you feel good at all. If you are having a hard time with letting go of wanting to take vengeful action or can't stop your vengeful thoughts, talk to a therapist or again write down these feelings in a journal. Maybe even take the time to visualize as clearly as you can going through with your plot of revenge. Two things can happen: 1) You'll get it out of your system because you felt like you did it even though it was in your mind only and/or 2) you'll realize that revenge isn't going to make you feel better and will just make your situation worse.

#5 - Do NOT Cast blame

This tip is especially geared to the cheater in the relationship. Often, when adultery is discovered, the one involved in the affair will want to place the blame on their spouse. While it may be true that your partner or spouse wasn't perfect in the relationship and maybe they made you feel angry or unloved, you alone took the actions to have an affair.

As for the injured party, casting blame doesn't help on your end either. Yes, they are responsible for the affair and deceiving you, but it is very unlikely they are the cause of all problems in your relationship. Casting blame only makes the other person feel defensive and doesn't help you move forward in saving your marriage.

By following the above tips and NOT engaging in those activities after an affair, you will have a stronger chance for saving your marriage. Sometimes it really is easier to start with what not to do when dealing with infidelity - it gives you a solid jumping off point on what to do to be effective instead.