Monday, April 11, 2011

Forgiving Infidelity, 3 Key Signs That You Have Not Really Forgiven



You agreed to forgive your cheating partner and to put the whole sordid episode behind you...but have you really forgiven them? You are sincere in your desire to forgive their infidelity but how do you know whether you have actually forgiven them? Here are some signs that you can use as a mirror to examine yourself and see if you have really forgiven your partner.

1. Do you keep score of wrongs? An unforgiving person keeps score on all the wrongs that have been committed by the other person that they say they have forgiven. Do you remember all the things that your partner has done wrong and which they continue to do wrong? Can you reel off all the things that they have done wrong since the infidelity occurred? Do you have a mental score sheet where all their wrongs are written in stone? You can tell if you have a mental score sheet by the things that you say when you are angry. If you bring up misdeeds from 3 or even 6 months ago then you have not really forgiven them. Forgiving them would entail you accepting that they are not perfect and you should not be able to remember every single detail of all their misdeeds.

2. You boast of your goodness. You may do this using words or it may just be in your attitude where you feel that you are a really good person and they are really bad. In your mind you are a selfless martyr who is full of goodness and who is making this huge sacrifice and effort to live and love a person with such huge faults. You feel superior to them because they were unfaithful while you have been good and faithful to them. You are faultless while they are ridden with faults. The tape in your mind is, "I am so good...I would never cheat on them and I just cannot imagine the character weakness that would make anyone cheat". If this is your attitude then you have not really forgiven their infidelity. Forgiving infidelity entails you accepting that they are not perfect and neither are you. Their infidelity does not mean that you are of superior moral fortitude it just means that they made a mistake, which you agreed to forgive. Can you see them afresh in this new light?

3. You complain about their inadequacies. You now feel that you have permission to bring up all their inadequacies. You get blinders so that you see only what you are not getting from your partner. They simply cannot please you as you somehow see through their 20 good deeds with microscopic vision to focus on the one thing they didn't do as you would have liked. Are you unable to see and appreciate any of your partner's good deeds since the infidelity? Can you remember them doing anything good since the infidelity? If you cannot see any good in them then you have clearly not forgiven them. Forgiving infidelity entails you seeing both their good and bad deeds in equal measure.

If you can see these 3 signs in your dealings with your partner then you have not forgiven their infidelity. You actually keep reliving the infidelity and reminding your partner about it by these 3 attitudes. You cannot forgive them if you continue in this destructive path.



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